Tears

Let it not be misunderstood. Missions work is not romantic. Perhaps the thought of journeying to a foreign country to do the work of God sounds like a thrilling adventure. And initially it is. When I first arrived in India everything around me was new and exciting … the sights, the sounds, the smells. But now I am faced with daily challenges. The same routine every day, the heaviness of responsibility, the great need to love the children unconditionally, in all circumstances.

It all comes down to what Jesus said in Luke 9:23: “If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me.”

There is a certain type of bird here … it looks something like a wren or a sparrow. It is black in colour, tinged with gray, and has white-tipped wings. Around its eyes is a streak of bright yellow. A simple bird, but quite beautiful. The butterflies are lovely too. They flutter around too fast for me to describe them, but some are white, some orange, some yellow. I have yet to see a peacock, but one of the schoolgirls gave me a small peacock feather as a gift. I was studying it today and was delighted with the bright, silvery blue and green colours. These are beautiful things.

Yesterday I saw a big rat in Mary Amma’s room, under the cooking shelf. It was fat and ugly with a long, slinking tail. There are bugs and beetles also. Often I’ll find spider-like bugs dropping on me from nowhere, leaping from one place to the next. Once I saw a huge, black beetle and one of the girls communicated to me that if you step on it, it lets off a horrid stink. Yuck.

What do birds and bugs and beetles have to do with anything? I suppose it’s a reminder to me that our life is sometimes beautiful and sometimes ugly. Sometimes there are green meadows, sometimes rocky hills.

There is certainly nothing “beautiful” about a cross …

Why a cross, Lord? Jesus Himself knew it was the only way, even when He prayed for the cup to be taken from Him, if possible. He knew from the beginning of time He would have to die.

God often calls us to walk a road of pain and sacrifice too. How else can we become so aware of how much we need Him? How else can we praise Him for His goodness and faithfulness through dark and rocky places? How else can we truly know Him if we do not fellowship in His sufferings?

Life here in India is difficult. The sorrows and sufferings of the people all around me sometimes seems too difficult to bear.

The little motherless boy who runs to me in delight, calling me “Mother! Mother!”

The old man hobbling in front of the mission hospital. One eye is sealed shut. He gratefully receives the biscuits and water I offer him, his hand pressed against his heart.

The teenage girl who weeps in front of me, as she tells me her father is a drunkard and her family has no money. “I am a poor girl, Sister,” she cries out brokenly.

The “untouchable” lady who can barely afford to eat ... her husband sick in the hospital. What peace can she know without Jesus?

The bare, shaved heads of little girls returning from the temple, hideous jewelry clinging to their arms, necks and legs.

The older students sitting listlessly during Sunday class, only pretending to listen to the message that will save their eternal soul.

The choked cry of a boy who has been beaten by another, his ear swollen in size.

The girl putting the only hair clip she owns into her beautiful but lice-infested hair ...

God has brought me here to India to love these people, these children. It is a narrow, rocky road. It is not easy being surrounded by one hundred love-starved children each day. It is not easy to be loving and kind every moment. Sometimes they fight and argue and do not listen. Sometimes they take advantage of you and do things behind your back. Sometimes patience runs thin and anger seems to rise. Sometimes exhaustion threatens to overwhelm you. Sometimes the enemy howls at you. Sometimes you make mistakes and wish you could have done things differently. Sometimes you wonder if you are really making any difference. Sometimes the language problem seems to barricade everything. Sometimes the heart feels no love at all …

But all the time, God is there. All the time, His love surrounds and covers over. All the time, His faithfulness abounds. All the time, His mercy and grace flow. All the time His peace settles everything. All the time, His presence remains.

I am small, but God is so big. One day I inwardly cried to the Lord, “Oh God, I just want to LOVE them so much more than I do!” And instantly there came a voice, an answer I shall never ever forget:

“I love them. My love is enough.”

It doesn’t matter how inadequate I sometimes feel and how many times I fail, His love holds me fast. His love is before me and it is behind me. It is on all sides, under and over. As long as I dwell in Him, as long as I remain in the eternal Vine, His love will continue to flow through me to these precious children.

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord” (Psalm 27:14).

It is no accident that David repeats himself. We must wait for Him. We must be still and know Him. And He will help us on the rocky way … He knows the path of suffering very well. I am learning each day to lean completely on His everlasting arm and just let Him do the work.

But I must always be willing to follow Him. And when we truly follow, there will always be joy.

“Send forth Your light and Your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to Your holy mountain, to the place where You dwell" (Psalm 43:3).